i dreamt that i died

I dreamt that i died


I was happy. I feel happy. In my dream it felt like everyone finally acknowledged my existence. My voice was finally heard when i died.

I wrote a farewell letter but i dont know what was inside. Maybe its a thank you note. Thank you for all the positive things i wish i felt existed.maybe its a letter of advice. To anyone who feels bullied, its ok to feel sad and its ok to think of the easy escape. I beg for everyone to at least listen if you dony want to understand. It so much hurts i wish i didnt taste life.

I can write now because my logic can still reason over my emotion. I wish reason can reason my emotion.

I wish i were strong to die. I wish it was easy to die

I am writing this is my sane interval. I am so depressed right now but i cant point the reason.
 I wanted to make a shoe nga mura ug shark. I felt down kay wala koy magamit nga panghimo. I tried to watch tv but it made me sadder seeing a family sa palabas. I wish i were the kid. I wish i knew how gladness felt like. I had accomplished things that common people think are great. I wish i knew how it feels like when someone is proud of you. Bisag naa lay muattend sa graduation. Gituyo nako dili mag marcha atong college kaya feeling nako wala muadto parehas atong high school ug elementary

I self diagnosed nga naa koy manic depressive disorder. I tried to seek help multiple times. Everyone of them were dumb. I wish i didnt know that suicide is not the answer. It would have made everything better. It would have made the pain go away. I wish i could escape from the pain. I wish i could escape from myself

I have always been different.
Im too different it hurts.
I have successfully forced myself to love myself;
But im still diffent.
It still hurts

today is a beautiful day.

i got a grande caramel machiato for free
super satisfied with the big cookie

my strength is coming back to normal
i learned to ignore the noisy aero class in the gym

its sunny
i will go sunbathe

i have a date later (friendly)
i will go to the doctore for a checkup

plus i saw a schoolmate just before posting.. lol

To The "Non-Members of the family", Please rethink

    I love my family. I stick with my family. We try to fix our fammily ourselves. You should too. PLEASE DONT DIVE INTO SOMEBODY ELSE'S POND. I have never been with them all the time because I want them to be proud of how i have become, that I have been able to live on my own for 4 years now. Although I am not that old i know that I have better credibility even your face is alot older than mine. I want us to know that some  are bettter mature than who people claim they are. I hope we dont pretend.


    I am writing this in anger. I am fed up with people who exert alot of effort bashing someone else when they havent even tried to know what really is going on. I write in hopes that no one judges one family in hopes that people will think that their's is better. One way to offend one is to start with "no offense".


    Let me first say no offense but we are not as young as we think we are. Please think. You will never be a celebrity even when you write about someone famous. Yes, you who are not a kid to be excused. You know straight grammar but you don't have straight thoughts. Its obvious when it's not your brain that's working. For some points though, i would agree that you are a kid. You know some but you never, and may never understand. What a shame when you graduated with hhonors when your line of thinking does not merit honor.




ON CREATING MORE CONFLICT- NOT RESOLUTION:

    Should I say more? No, shut up if you dont understand anything.

    It's a pity that you dont have a good bond with anyone. My sisters and my brothers you may ask. We're all fine. Please don't be a turd that can't be flushed. I too call for the media to not broast anything when innformation is not correct. Impartial information, when declared partial is misinformation. Let's not act like journalists when we cannot define RESSPONSIBLE jouralism, alright?




IF YOU DONT KNOW EVERYTHING: DON'T SAY ANYTHING, DONT DO ANYTHING IDIOTIC.


    I pray that everyone learns what they are taught. Wars start because of misunderstandings. Often, a simple discussion is what is needed to resolve things. And I wish you'll realize this; You start a war, I am not backing up. Don't worry about your face. You are ugly inside and out.


    People fight because of differences. I beg to differ. People are now fighting and some more will fight because of you. You should feel shame.




ON RESPECT:


    Kids are not supposed to hear about adult problems.(since you claim you are). Who fed you garbage? Who blew that stench inn your ear?
   

    Why can't we respect the person who sacrificed some properties and appointments for whom you consider family? Of course you can't because all you think is disrespect. Did your mother not teach you respect?




ON LOVE  AND DISRESPECT:


    If a man chooses not to appear in family meetings because some family memmbers forces him to be with his x and not the woman who he MARRIED; dont you think it's love and disrespect on your side? You did not know. You now know. Do you now understand? Please let's not talk about decency when we're not.


So much for being self righteous.




ON RIGHTS AND MORE DISRESPECT:


    Nobody has the right to tell somebody to not love that person, neither has anybody the right to judge someone who has never been given a chance even with multiple attempts. Don't you think we didnt realize how a fame whore you are for tagging and adding everyone on social media?


    Who has better claim to comment: the direct respondents or fame whore who's never there?


    I dont know. I dont know a thing. This is what you should say.




AN INVITATION TO COMMENT:


    To all the non-participants of the meeting: It means You should not care. Did your hight rank in college not teach you that?


    Since one does not gossip like another does, it is only fair to say that one was invited.



ON FAMILY:


    I am very proud of my family. I may not be at home right now but I will always say that i am my father's son, I am my mother's son, and i am dear to my brothers and sisters. How can anyone comment on one when anyone doesnt even have a good relationship with the father and sister?


    It's sad that I tolerated alot of bashing. Now i decided to fight.




IS THIS THE CONCLUSION:


    People who are educated should act educated. I write in anger but in hope to reeducate. Dont be just more thoughtful but please learn to think. It surprised me to realize that i graduated from the same school with someone who is under-educated; or are you? Is it the unwillingness to think or the lack of thinkking power?


    I am about to finish this post still shaking. I feel extreme disgust in the poor performace of someone's brain. I don't intent to be rude but should i care when it's about family? should i care when an non-interested party suddenly takes interest because of fame?

    I will not review what I wrote bbut I hope i have made sense to some senseless minds. I hope this kind of fame is enough for you, fame whore. You wanted this.




PS: as i have mentioned I don’t have plans of reviewing this article before posting. I claim fault for any grammar  lapses and misspelling because i dont have plans on being self-righteous right now. Im also reimaging my computer so i used a plain text editor for this. no autocorrect.

The Best of My Worst Birthday

I have been feeling sick since a week before my birthday. I had hoped that I would get better because I took medicine but for no avail. I guess that is what happens when you don’t consult a doctor, no until I felt like I would collapse anytime, a day before my day.

Wow, I feel like the first paragraph is like a intro for an herbal medicine. It’s not. Haha.

                                                                     

Nothing happened on my birthday. A lot of things happened on my birthday. The doctor said that I be on bed rest so I bore to death  beat the crap out of my tablet and smartphone the entire day. I have a miserable life. See? A lot of things like playing “candy crush”, “samurai vs. zombies”, listen to Charlie Puth's “tangerine dreams”, “candy crush” again, and then “samurai vs. zombies”, and then “tangerine dreams” on repeat. Whew! I also enjoyed the beautiful view in my apartment.

(See pictures below: aka; the wall, the wall and the wall)

  

At around 7:00pm my mom called me and asked what I did for my birthday. I was like.. aahhh... hhhmmm... so I realized I had to do something. Good thing I remembered wolverine is already theatres so i watched the last full show in 3D. Wolverine, if you didn't know, is one of my favourite superheroes. He is a superhero, I think.

                I was walking home like a wobbling jelly after the movie. I didn't care as long as I did at least one thing for myself, for being strong for the year. I ended my birthday with a nice clean massage before going to bed.

                                                           

too dim

too dim

im too tired to sleep
im too weary not to continue living

im too shy to keep to myself, but
im too open to let anyone in.

care and neglect both choke
in my heart they all poke

a room too dark to see
my eyes too used not to see

-an original by @tylerCursed
-please don't use without permission